Part 2

So here we were on this new, exciting adventure of IVF. I was actually excited about all those meds, the shots, and the monitoring. I started birth control pills on June 11, 2008 (I know sounds weird to go on those when you're trying to get pregnant). Then came Lu.pron on June 25th. I did really well on the meds, no major problems. We had to wait a bit for my body to cooperate and then I started stims on July 11th. Now for those of you that haven't had the joy of infertility, I got to administer 3 shots a day, yeah fun times :) Everything looked great and my body responded wonderfully. We did a lot of driving during this time, back and forth for appointments. I think I was at the "clinic" every other day.

At the visit on July 20th, I had 28 follicles and we would pull out the "big gun" needle tonight! I'll never forget how nervous Tommy was that he had to do that one (someone who hates needles by the way). They retrieved 23 eggs on July 22nd and I remember praying that one of these, well maybe two, would become our children. The next day we learned that 15 of the eggs were mature and 10 fertilized with I.CSI. On the 25th, they scheduled a day 5 transfer. All 10 little embies were growing well. Then on July 27th, we transferred, 2 great looking blasts (AA and BB ratings). Out of the remaining 8, 2 survived and were frozen.

Then came the dreaded wait. Oh, how I hate to wait and this time was no different. I kept busy, trying not to think about it, but I knew what was inside of me at that time. The first beta was scheduled for August 5th and I remember counting down! Then the Friday before the beta, I started spotting. What? This isn't supposed to be happening. Why is this happening? I was scared and shocked. You see our "clinic" was great. They had filled our hopes up to the max, there was no reason to believe this would not work. Honestly, hadn't really even crossed our minds; better yet, it wasn't an option. I freaked out, I cried. Tommy tried to calm me down. We called the doctor and explained what was going on. The nurses and our doctors were great. They said "it's normal"; your estrogen was really high and this often happens. Take it easy, put your feet up and relax. It continued off and on all weekend. My doctor called on Saturday and said we'd move the beta up to Monday.

My mom went with me that Monday; Tommy had already missed a ton of work and I told him it would be ok because we were just going for the beta. I'll never forget that 3 hour drive of wondering what was going on inside my body. Once at the "clinic" I thought I would die before they called me back. We did the blood draw and they again told me not to worry that again it was common. They told me it would probably be close to lunch time before we knew the results. My mom and decided to do a little shopping while we waited and then the phone rang. My nurse said "Trisha, it's positive but the numbers are low. We'll have to watch it but it worked, Congrats." My hands were shaking and I didn't know what to think. Honestly, when the spotting started, my hope was gone. I thought it was over. I didn't expect to hear those words but oh how sweet they were to my ears. My mom was thrilled. When I called Tommy, I think he was in shock. My beta was 23.8.

We spent the night in Charles.ton and had a great time. And much to my disbelief, the spotting stopped. Oh thank you God, please let this little one stay with us. Another beta was scheduled for Wednesday to see if the numbers were doubling; this would be the tell-tell sign or so we thought. Wednesday's beta was 65.8 and I was thrilled; it had more than doubled. My nurse said things were looking better and that we'd still have to remain cautious to see what would happen. I remember taking what had become one of those dreaded home tests and it finally said that one word that I had longed to read for almost 2 years....."pregnant."

The next beta was scheduled for 5 days later. We were feeling good about things from the last beta. This beta was a bit disappointing though....140. Back to the drawing boards. My numbers weren't rising. I was ready to know one way or the other what was going on. Enough of the roller coaster, I'm ready to get off now. I had to twist my doctor's arm and break protocol to get another beta to see what was going on (the next one was supposed to be 2 weeks later). So, four days later the beta had risen to 403, ok now what?

By this time, school had started back (teacher workdays) and I had to tell my boss what was going on. He was great and totally supportive of whatever I needed to do. That day after the last beta, I remember sitting in the faculty meeting again wondering what was going on. Pregnancies run like rabbits at my school yet it seemed to pass by my class. Maybe this was going to be my chance to be like the "others", the ones who don't realize how blessed they are. Later that afternoon the spotting returned. I got home and sobbed. My emotions couldn't take this anymore. I tried to calm down and remain positive because there was a life inside of me. My doctor scheduled an ultrasound a week later. The news was one of our worst fears. Nothing... not a sack, not a pole, no heartbeat, no baby. My doctor wanted to make sure there was nothing in my tubes so I had to have another beta. She said if it was back down, the good news, my body had taken care of everything and we wouldn't have to go through more procedures. She called at lunch and it was under 5. There we sat, once again, with empty arms and with empty hearts.

I am blessed to have such a great husband. He was by my side and totally supportive. So now we were at a crossroads, what now God? What do you want us to do?