I know a while back I wrote about Tommy's heart being out of rhythm again. We went to the doctor a few weeks ago and he basically said that he would go ahead and schedule a cardioversion and then we would take a look at putting a new device in (one that controls heart failure). The cardioversion was scheduled for the 21st, which worked out great because we both were off of work already. We are usually out of the hospital within 3 hours so it's not something that takes all day. As Tommy was checking in, his doctor calls and the nurse has both of us go back to talk with him. He said that he had just gotten back from a national conference and learned some new things about this new blood thinner that Tommy has been on since the summer. He said that there wasn't enough research out there yet to make him comfortable with doing the cardioversion. He was worried about Tommy forming a blood clot after the procedure. So they've put him back on his "old" blood thinner and he should be having the cardioversion in the next couple of weeks. I know he's ready; he's tired and worried about it all. We also have appointments at Duke in early March to get some insight about what will be the best next steps as well.
Tuesday we had our homestudy renewal. Tommy had an awful day on Monday with still having this cold stuff and then the rhythm issue. It was so bad that he woke up around 2 that morning and couldn't go back to sleep. He drove himself to the point of worrying so bad that he had worked himself up and he was having trouble breathing. He went to the doctor and everything checked out fine so we knew it was just him. I asked if he wanted to postpone the homestudy meeting but he said he'd be fine.
We met the new social worker and went over things and it went well. However, I couldn't shake this "not feeling right" feeling that I was experiencing while she was here. We went to lunch afterwards and it was still the same. Tommy and I talked and he said he wasn't sure how he felt. I know he mainly said that because he didn't want to hurt me by saying let's wait. So when Tuesday night rolled around and I couldn't sleep, I knew something was up. I prayed and prayed and asked God to show me what He wants us to do. I'm worried about a lot of things with this one. First, getting Tommy back on track with his heart. Second, the money side of it. Adoption is so expensive and even with the tax credit, this money comes out of your pocket first. I know God can provide but at this point I felt like He was tugging at my heart saying you need to wait. When we got up the next morning I told Tommy how I was feeling. He agreed and said he didn't feel completely right about it either. I talked with the social worker over the phone and explained things to her to see what would be the best course of action. Since the homestudy is nowhere near being final, we wanted to make a decision now so we wouldn't be out of more money. She said at this point our best course of action would be to withdraw from the program. If we decide to move forward later on then we could and we can basically pick up with where we've left off. I talked with Tommy again that night and we both felt the best thing for us to do right now is to wait. As soon as we made the decision my heart felt at peace. I know we've made the right decision.
Don't get me wrong, it has always been a dream of mine to have children. I have no idea where God is leading us or what He has in store for us but I do know that it's better than anything I could come up with on my own. I worry that if Garrett is our only one how will he fare as an only child. And then again God may choose to bless us with another child. I do know that we prayed for him for so long I do feel completely blessed to be his mom and if he is all I ever have, I have more than enough.
We would appreciate your prayers as we seek God's will for our family.